hands down, kurt cobain. i have so many crazy kurt cobain emotional experiences. i've told this story so many times, but i'll tell it again. i remember when he died. i wasn't even four yet. but i remember the "big boys" sitting in the middle of the road wearing all black. i don't think i understood what was going on, but i knew something had happened. i didn't even think about kurt cobain again for years. over the summer of 2004, when i was 13, i was at a church convention, and i saw a girl wearing a shirt that said something like rip blah blah blah (i didn't know who it was) 1967-1994...i started thinking that maybe that was the person i remember the boys mourning for, but i wasn't sure. i also thought maybe it was the person my mom had been talking about, when we were watching the music video for "it's my life" by no doubt and gwen stefani's in court and my mom said something like that was fitting for her and i was like what, what are you talking about and she was like well isn't she that crazy lady whose husband was a rockstar and committed suicide? and i was like um no i'm definitely sure that gwen stefani's husband is alive and kickin (and looking hot as hell...) and i have no idea who you're talking about...but i remember thinking, what kind of rockstar would kill themselves? at that point in my life all i wanted more than everything was fame and money and beauty and if you had it all, why would you give it up? but it all started to come together that summer. one night, after a country club swim meet, i was falling in and out of sleep and i heard a song that sounded all too familiar, but i couldn't place it. i'm sure it was coming from the tv, but i don't even remember if the tv was on, if it was, i think it was on vh1, but i could never figure out what program it was...i remember the tv or the dream or whatever it was saying something like "smells like teen spirit" and "nirvana" and "kurt cobain." the next day, after i dried my beautiful blonde hair and watched regis and kelly, i went online to listen to search smells like teen spirit...i listened to the song and it all came back to me...i remembered where i knew it from...hearing it on the big boys' boomboxes while they played street hockey and had super soaker fights...i searched kurt cobain, i saw his face, i remembered seeing that face before, on television, in my youth...i started to remember it all, the nineties, the grunge, the flannel...my desire to be just like the big boys...how i would wear my dad's clothes trying to look "grungy." kurt looked so young, i couldn't figure it out, why would he kill himself? i kept reading, it said he was "the voice of a generation"...i just was so intrigued by it...maybe because i could vaguely remember all of it, when it happened, and i was just curious to remember more of my own childhood, the bits and pieces of the culture when i grew up, in the days that i still consider the best days of my life, but maybe because it was just such a mystery to me, such a tragedy, that such a young, beautiful, talented person would throw themselves away like that. i was obsessed with him, with nirvana. all summer, all i listened to, all i talked about, all i thought about was nirvana, nirvana, nirvana and kurt cobain, kurt cobain, kurt cobain. it changed my life entirely. i became a completely different person before i went to high school. if i hadn't "rediscovered" him, who knows what i would have been like, where i would be now. would i have ever dated frankie, would i be friends with half the people i ended up being friends with, would i have even half of the same interests as i do now, would i have ever stopped being the preppy pink princess and gone through all my phases, experiencing all these different sides of life? who knows. it's incredible to think of all the things that i might not have done if nirvana hadn't been part of my life and if i hadn't been so intrigued and mystified by his death. kurt changed my life, hands down.

okay, let me see...my so-called life, new amsterdam, life as we know it, rich girls (does anyone remember this show, on mtv, with ally hilfiger??? great show, so 8th grade), so weird, bug juice, salute your shorts, clarissa explains it all, caroline in the city, jessie, something so right, the simple life (when it was good), the oc (ditto), summerland, lizzie mcguire, boy meets world....the list goes on and on.....

basically, everything i like has been cancelled way to early and it really makes me sad...

so caroline's having a sleepover tomorrow. not that this is anything unusual. caroline's had a sleepover for her birthday before school starts almost every year for as long as i can remember...but it's so weird. it seems like just yesterday, and really JUST YESTERDAY!, that we had our sleepover before HIGH SCHOOL, and now, now we're having our sleepover before COLLEGE! it feels so crazy. because i can remember every moment of that one four years ago. i remember what i was wearing- those silly sheepskin boots and that denim mini skirt with the brown braided belt of course, and the white american eagle shirt with the red writing (this was long before i left it at pastor chip's pool party and it disappeared forever) and the red plaid shirt that was the closest thing i had to flannel (before it got too tight in the shoulders, of course) and my hair was a brilliant summer blonde and had cute new bangs. i was going to high school a different person than everyone thought i would ever be...and now i'm going to college a different person that i ever thought i would be. back then, there seemed like there was so much opportunity to be had...that everything was just beginning. i don't think there was a moment that night when a smile wasn't on my face. there's a smile on my face right now just thinking about it...a bittersweet smile, but a smile nonetheless. i had big things to think about...that's when i first started to write. and i was letting everyone read my journal. i was so proud of the new things i was thinking about and the bizarre musings that i'd written down. i had a strange obsession with a man that had done the unthinkable...that had taken his own life! the megan that my friends new and loved from her middle school years would never tolerate such a thing! but i was new, i was daring and bold and adventurous...i felt like i wanted to try everything that i'd been missing out on in all 14 years of my life by being a stuck up prude!!! and i had something that i couldn't be more thrilled about....the true cause to the smile plastered on my face...i was in love. though i've many times since then said that it really wasn't love, it's times like these where i start to think it really was. because of the pain that it caused when he, gasp!, broke up with me, and shook my perfect little world, and because of the way i still get butterflies in my stomach and my heart beats a little faster when i think of those august days we spent together...cuddling on ashley's bed while her grandma was sleeping, swimming in the pool in her backyard like we were practically one person, sneaking phone calls from my parents because i knew they didn't want me to date, and even more than that, i was slightly embarrassed by the boy that i'd chosen to love...i've never actually admitted that after the fact that he dumped me, because that was so horribly tragic and of course, i'd ended up the wounded one and he'd come out the "better one" in some sense (though i swear there was a time when i looked really hot and he saw me outside of ash's house and threw his skateboard at a tree....true story), but at the time, i really thought that people would make fun of me for who i was dating...a.) because he was shorter than me b.) because he was almost a year younger than me and c.) because even though i thought he was good looking (and i still do, his picture is actually right in front of me, it's on my bulletin board...i don't even think he knows i have this picture, but i do, it's been there for four years now, most of the things on this bulletin board have...) a lot of other people seemed to think he wasn't THAT good looking and d.) because the girls i hung out with would never ever accept him! it sounds totally lame, but it's so true! you know the song "sk8er boi" by avril lavigne, lol??? WELL THAT'S REALLY HOW IT WAS! i have an entry in my journal, right before he dumped me, saying i don't care if he's short and he's young and he's different, i'm going to tell my parents that i have a boyfriend because i love him! of course, i never got that far. i never had a chance to. he never came to the lock-in. and then he didn't love me anymore. i love you changed to i DID love you...and he broke my heart. but on that night of caroline's party, it seemed like it would never end. it didn't matter about all those things, the reasons why i was slightly embarrassed, still strange for me to say, to be dating him...because even if he was different from the boys they liked, i was different than i used to be! i was hanging out with the freaks and geeks and i was listening to nirvana and loving kurt cobain and passionately supporting causes that i'd never heard of before and writing poetry about depression and suicide and dying my hair with kool-aid and trying so desperately to be different and all that mattered was that he made me happy...i remember riding over to solon cinemas in betsy's car to go see the princess diaries 2...caroline and jessica were in the car with me and everyone else was in mrs. king's minivan...i told them all, even with betsy there, about my new boyfriend frankie and how much i loved him and how great he was. and i have to say, they were happy for me. i remember sitting in that movie theater next to caroline and jessica, everyone else sat in a different row for some reason even though it was caroline's birthday, and waiting eagerly for my candy bar phone to vibrate in my pocket!!! and then when we got back to caroline's house and we ate m&m's and talked and gossiped and shared secrets, i kept looking at my phone like a crazy person, and then somehow, i missed a phone call from him! but everything was alright, because he'd tried to call, so he still cared about me. and even as we went to sleep that night, on the floor in our sleeping bags, watching wayne's world 2, i remember thinking about him and just being blissfully happy. but everything was so different then. there wasn't so much to worry about. the only worry that plagued my mind was that my parents would find out that i was dating frankie, and even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world....those were the days before i ever thought that i'd be so depressed i'd seriously consider taking my life...when i didn't think i'd ever gain more weight than i'd lost before...before i knew my high school days would be plagued with health problems...before i ever even imagined that someone could make me feel so bad...that someone could be so cruel...that someone could have no emotion...that someone could rape me and not even care...and tomorrow night i'll go to caroline's sleepover a different person. a smile won't be cemented on my face as it was then. and my thoughts won't be filled with anticipation and excitement at a secret boyfriend's phone call...and i won't be as excited to talk about all the knew things that i'm feeling and thinking about...because the things i feel and think about these days just aren't so great, and i could never imagine passing around my personal journal, with all of my inner thoughts and struggles, my battles with my own demons and the one outside of me...all of the things that i went through. i could never let anyone else into that. and yet the days of high school teen angst are gone...i'm no longer going to school because a law is forcing me to...i'm going to school for the first time in my life because i actually want to...and i can't just be the angry youth, rebellious and angry...trying to free myself from the conformity of my parents' lifestyle...i'm a legal adult now. i can do whatever the fuck i want to. well, to some extent. ;) but it's not the same, the days of fake youthful rebellion are long gone...and the anger i feel now isn't toward society and the government and the system and all of those silly things that i was always blabbering about, but it's directed toward other things...some at myself...some toward another person...and some still at the world...because it somehow let this happen to me...it allowed that kind of evil to exist...and nothing stopped him. so in many ways i'm actually still the same. so many of my questions are still unanswered. i was so sure that by the time i was 18 everything would be so completely different from this...i was sure i'd have the world figured out...i was sure that i'd pretty much rule the world! i don't really know where i thought things would be at the end of high school...but i'm pretty sure that i never thought they'd be here...not that this is a bad place...it's just what is...and now it's different...and now i'm going to a sleepover tomorrow...as the megan that i am now...and i'll just have to try my best to deal with that. and now i'm going to do something that i haven't in a long time...i'm going to crank up my stereo, and dance to nirvana.

raise your hand if you're sick of miley cyrus!!!!!!

okay, so she recently talked to tv guide, and perez basically decoded what she's saying, here's what perez had to say (my thoughts in parentheses):

Miley's Yearning to Slut Around
Filed under: Wacky, Tacky & True > Miley Cyrus



In a new TV Guide interview, Miley Cyrus reveals…a little to much.

Miley says something that screams 'I'm horny':

"I'd love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City," says the 15-year-old. (what would they call it????? racy photos and the disney channel????....but honestly, i don't think it's a big deal that she likes sex and the city...all these people are like omfg miley cyrus is only 15 and she's way too young for that show and she's supposed to be a role model and blah blah blah, but seriously, i was watching that show at like 12 (hated it then, still hate it now) and sure it's a little racy or whatever, but it's not like 15 is completely naive, you know everything by then, seriously people, think back to when you were 15, not a big deal)

Has Disney fired her yet????? (they can't. they won't. she's their cash cow.)

She goes on to say that she's a 'blue baller': (hahaha)
"I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand." (uuuuum, really???? is that why you send scandalous photos to all of your boy toys??? just showing them what they can't have??)

We're sure she's had a lot of hands on her, though! (wouldn't doubt it...)

Miley also shows she's a little bit conceited:
"It was insane. All of a sudden I woke up one day and went to Macy's and saw myself on a T-shirt. I feel empowered when I see my face on a T-shirt. A girl wouldn't be wearing a shirt with me on it just because she liked my show. She must look up to me." (um, no, a girl would be wearing you on a tshirt just because she likes your show or that's just the shirt that's cool and all the other kids are wearing it....i wear shirts with people on them, like band tees and stuff, it just means i like their music, i don't necessarily think they're jesus and walk on water and want the world to know how much i adore them, it's just a cool shirt)

Then, in "honor" of her latest single, 7 Things, Miley revealed the seven things she can't live without:
1) "The Bible. It's my 'how-to' guide for life." (does the bible tell you how to take pictures of yourself in the shower and lifting your shirt up and send them to nick jonas???? i read the entire bible a few years back (seriously, i really did), and i must've missed that part)
2) "My mommy!"
3) "My Yorkie Roadie and my lovebird Zazu."
4) "Grilled cheese. Mmm…" (she's just trying to make us think that she eats like a normal human being and not a weight-obsessed celebrity)
5) "Music and my beautiful Gibson guitar."
6) "My black Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers." (poser)
7) "My Sidekick." (so she can continue to send the scandalous photos, of course)

Puke.

What do y'all think of Miley?

so i loooove the n's new show queen bees. it's absolutely hysterical!!!!! the premiere episode was last night (but it's on a few more times this week, so check it out if you have a chance!). it's basically mean girls, reality show edition. it's a really good show, because all the girls are really bitchy and some of it seems so ridiculous, but we all know we're like that sometimes...well, maybe not to that extent, but still, any girl out there knows she's had really mean and judgmental thoughts about other girls in her life. here's a secret (or a not so secret) i was a mega-bitch in 8th grade. i thought i was the best, the absolute hottest thing out there and that everyone else was below me. i mean, i was really really pretty, but still, i wasn't that great. and i'm still kind of a bitch. when it comes down to it, i say some pretty terrible things about other people when i'm with my friends and i can be pretty harsh on here...which i'm about to be when i give my thoughts about the girls on the show. but still i'm a nice person, and i care about other people, and i knoooow i'm not the queen of the universe. i just forget that sometimes. anyway, here's what i think about the girls:

stassi

in care you're wondering, her real name is nastassia...i looked it up because i thought it was such an odd name. anyway. she's really, really conceited. when she said she probably made that guy's day in the car, haaaaa. but she doesn't seem thaaaaat bad. i really liked her dress at the pageant though. and how can you hate stassi when she would never do anything really mean to her best friend??? lol. she won the "inner beauty pageant" but i don't really think she has "inner beauty." after she won she was kind of being a bitch. and like in group when she said that thing about no hurting her best friends....but i guess that means she hurts everyone else. but i think she did a really good job talking to shavon when she was upset. she's pretty down to earth though. her home got destroyed by hurricane katrina. oh, and she was on the amazing race...haha wtf family edition.


gisbelle

(check out that hair flip!!!!) i love how she said, "you're not going to get any hotter, honestly." that was funny. i feel like i haven't seen a lot of her personality left, but i think that her boyfriend should leave her, she treats him like shit!!!!! but i really liked her headband during the progress report session...i bet her bf bought that, ha. but dr. michelle's right, she hasn't caused any problems or anything so i definitely want to see what happens with her next week!

michelle

um, i actually like michelle. she reminds me a lot of myself....with the shopping and stuff. okay, but not the ran out of money, go home comment....what a bitch! but she's seriously not as bad as the rest. and she's the one that suggested the soup kitchen when there were people like brittany going, "i don't feel bad for homeless people." but it was really rude when she was like, "the judges are going to see me and think that i'm beautiful because i have nice clothes than these girls." sidebar: when will people realize that clothes don't make you beautiful?!?! you could be the ugliest person ever and dress head to toe in marc jacobs and diane von furstenberg, but you still wouldn't be pretty! sorry, but that just drives me crazy. you can look nice because of nice clothes, but they don't make you "beautiful." anyway. a lot of them think she's really fake, and i don't know, maybe she is. she smiles a lot though so she really comes off as a nice person. and i like how she admitted that she's not perfect. but she, unlike brittany, actually has a reason to be cocky, because according to her imdb resume, she's actually been in a few shows and music videos.

shavon

despite the fact that she's really mean and pretty bitchy, i like her. she definitely had reason to be pissed at brittany. because she's a pain in the ass. but it was a little harsh when she was like she'll come out of the bathroom and still look horrible. but i loved her expression when brittany said her car was being shipped from florida. that was funny. she is a bitch, though. but i thought it was really mature of her to apologize to brittany.

camille

this is what i first thought of camille: oh, boy, camille.....dumb. as. rocks. and she seems kind of trashy. and her fiance seems ummm a little fruity. and she seems like a mega-lame bitch..that whole spreading the rumor that her best friend had aids thing??? puuuuuh-leeeeeeze! and the sunglasses thing??? laaaaame. but her saying her best quality was that she hunts and skins deer?????? and she wants to meet einstein because he never washed his hair???? really????? but after they first met with dr. michelle: i think she gets it. i don't think she's a cold hearted sociopathic bitch...she knows she's mean. it was really good to hear her say that she knows she's mean to her fiance and her parents and i actually think she's a deeper and more complex person than the other girls. i think there's a lot more in her life going on that no one knows about, hence the sunglasses. i actually like her a lot. but her boots during the session with dr. michelle were pretty crazy.

brittany

she thinks she's a lot hotter than she is. she's not that awesome. "i'm a socialite..." yeah, whatever. i definitely don't think she's gotten "show opportunities." that's bullshit. no one has ever heard of her before. she's nothing special....although, according to imdb, she's in a movie called my father's will....i've never heard of it, and i wonder if i ever will...and i did find pictures of her at a party in la. but that, "stupid brody" thing, that was ridiculous....like, oh we're tight...hahaha no, i don't think so, he wanted someone to recognize him, and no one did. brittany's seriously the biggest name dropper ever. i hope she goes home. and why does she need to be there anyway? according to her, she's perfect and people like her and she's a really nice person and she gets along with everyone (hmmm, like shavon????). thank goodness stassi was there to remind her that her friends sent her there because they think she's mean.

kiana

okay. she is actually probably the meanest girl on the show. she doesn't understand at all that she's a megabitch. and they definitely did not have a pageant with blind judges to make them laugh. how was that funny??? if she really didn't get why they did that then she's a dumb ass. she definitely deserved to have her star taken away. i hope she gets it because she really needs to change her ways!!!!!!!

the show is hosted by america's next top model cycle 2 winner, yoanna house, who's looking beautiful.

i looooved her pink dress in the progress report session, btw.

and also features the tyra banks show's dr. michelle.


is this show affiliated with tyra banks or something???? i mean, i haven't heard that it is, but....yoanna and dr. michelle??? idk. the trailer showed perez on the show, so i'm definitely getting excited for that episode!!!!!

here are some more pics of the bees:

michelle and kiana

michelle, stassi, camille and gisbelle

today was pretty good. i got up really early. and i did some grocery shopping. and had a doctor's appointment. then i had lunch at red robin. then i hung out with kevin. we saw the incredible hulk. again. love it. every time i see that movie i fall more in love with edward norton...and i become more convinced that liv tyler is a really good actress and never ages....seriously, she doesn't. anyway. after that we hung out for a while, walked around at a few stores, then we had dinner at rockne's. now i'm at home. i talked to nick tonight. i called his old number. it worked. i thought he had a new number. but he doesn't. it made me really happy to talk to him. i can't help but think of him. the last good summer i had was spent thinking about him. and it was one of the best summers of my life.....lately, i've been thinking about another summer. a summer i don't talk a lot about. the summer everything changed. i heard smells like teen spirit on the radio. and all the memories came back. of how it felt when i first started getting into nirvana. when i was so intrigued by kurt. it was all so different and new. it was fun. then yesterday at the cardiologist i was watching shrek 2 while i was getting my ultrasound, and i couldn't help but think about that summer again. i remember seeing that movie at the end of 8th grade with caroline and jessica right before summer started. i was so thin then. i was perfect. at least that's how i remember being. i remember that song, the one from the movie. accidentally in love. it was so popular that summer. it had that bizarre music video with the girl from the pussycat dolls and the donkey. but it was such a good song. i remember listening to that song in the car driving through new mexico with my family on the way to the ranch. i sang along to it and my dad said he really liked the song. and i was secretly thinking how the song was like my life. how i had accidentally fallen in love (or so i'd thought) with a boy i'd never though i could fall in love with. i'm being lame now. i'll move on. it's just that i have such a strong memory. i can remember every word, every emotion, every thought. sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a curse.

anyway.

i'm watching the secret life of the american teenager right now and i can't help but think...the secret life of WHAT american teenager????? i just went through four years of high school and high school is really not like that at all!!!! well, at least not orange high school. if we had any crazy christian people like grace, i guess it was me, i mean the first two years, i was always going around promoting church parties like that, but that was then. but the rest of it really isn't that accurate. i love how renee olstead (from still standing) is in it. i think she's so cute!!!! and she's an incredible singer! i also love how molly ringwald is in it. hahaha, gotta love molly.

ah, i'm actually getting kind of tired. maybe i'm getting on more of a normal sleep schedule. we'll see.

so i just realized how many bad movies there are in the world. when did i realize this? when i saw the commercial for hellboy 2...yeah..... anyway, then i thought about how much money must be spent on making these terrible movies...then i thought about how much money i must spend seeing terrible movies....so i've decided to compile a list of the worst movies i've ever seen (now these are only bad movies that i've seen, not all the bad movies out there in the world, there are a lot of bad movies that i've avoided over the years....), their budgets, the amount of money that idiots in america have spent on seeing them, and the amount of money that i personally have spent seeing it....i prefer not to even mention the time that i have spent seeing many of these pieces of garbage, first of all because it would be really sad and embarrassing, and second because i like to think of the time spent on these movies was a learning experience...the money however, inexcusable (even if most of this isn't my money, and for the ones i saw with my dad, i didn't actually pay anything, my dad bought my ticket, but whatever)....so here's my list of the shittiest movies i've ever seen (and please note that there are a lot of "bad movies" that i've seen that are pretty crappy in everyone else's opinion but that i really secretly like, so they won't be on this list):

20. deck the halls
i usually love christmas movies, but this one was so bad that alex and i walked out.
budget: unknown
gross revenue: $35 mill
i spent: $10

19. the heartbreak kid
aaaaah, this movie was just stupid...and disguisting. totally not worth it.
budget: unknown
gross revenue: $127 mill
i spent: nothing, jess got me in for free

18. my boss's daughter
this movie was just lame and disguisting. for some reason i saw this movie with my friends and my dad in 8th grade...yeah, wtf.
budget: $14 mill
gross revenue: unknown
i spent: $8

17. venom
why do i even bother watching horror movies???? most of them are so shitty! the cast of this seemed pretty good, but no....
budget: unknown
gross revenue: less than $1 mill
i spent: nothing, watched it on cable

16. crossroads
another terrrible movie that i saw with my father....idk, i was actually enjoying it at some parts though, i like taryn manning, but otherwise it sucked.
budget: $12 mill
gross revenue: $61 mill
i spent: $7

15. kangaroo jack
absolutely idiotic.
budget: $60 mill
gross revenue: unknown
i spent: nothing, i watched it at a lock-in

14. sydney white
okay, i actually like this movie at some times despite the fact that when i saw it i was terribly bored....but still, it's a good going to sleep movie, because well, it puts me to sleep. still, it has a hot guy and mentions celiac disease so props there.
budget: $16 mill
gross revenue: $11 mill
i spent: $25...saw it in theaters, rented it twice and eventually bought it on sale....

13. indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull
IT WAS ABOUT FRICKIN ALIENS!!!! why the fuck would i want to see a movie about aliens??????? the only redeeming qualities of this movie were shia labeouf and the 1950s backdrop.
budget: $185 mill
gross revenue: over $640 mill
i spent: $10

12. the good german
why would such good actors make such a terrible movie? this movie was such an embarrassment to the book! and seriously, it was painful to sit through...
budget: $32 mill
gross revenue: unknown...
i spent: $4...rented it

11. the hottie and the nottie
yeah, okay, i should've know....
budget: $9 mill
gross revenue: $1 mill
i spent: $6

10. house of wax
um, yeah.....disguisting.
budget: $40 mill
gross revenue: $68 mill
i spent: nothing, i watched it on cable, thank God...

9. jimmy and judy
for some reason, critics "loved" this movie. i have no fucking clue why. maybe cuz it's about teenagers being stupid???? i'm sorry, but that whole teen angst thing is so over done.....if edward furlong weren't in this, i never would've seen this, and i would've probably turned it off after five minutes....it was so fucking weird.
budget: $1 mill
gross revenue: unknown...at least i couldn't find it....
i spent: $12...i bought it.

8. i know who killed me
when i asked for two tickets to i know who killed me and the cashier said what???? i should have known that that was a bad sign, but i thought it looked really interesting. this movie was lame and disguisting, but i can't say it's the worst movie i've ever seen in my life because it was actually kind of interesting at times because i wanted to know what the fuck was going on. but still, it sucked.
budget: $12 mill
gross revenue: over $9 mill
i spent: $10

7. fantastic four
i hate jessica alba. krista and i were cracking up when we saw this movie because it was just so terribly lame.
budget: $100 mill
gross revenue: $330 mill
i spent: $8 (it was before they jacked up the price at mayfield)

6. glitter
why do my dad and i see the worst movies together???? seriously, back in 6th grade we saw this...i don't even remember why we saw it, but we did.....wow, embarrassing...
budget: $22 mill
gross revenue: $5 mill
i spent: $7

5. you don't mess with the zohan
this movie was stupid...and racist...and barely even funny. adam sandler, you can do so much better.
budget: $90 mill
gross revenue: over $80 mill so far
i spent: $6...it was a matinee

4. master of disguise
even when i was twelve i thought this movie was crap
budget: $16 mill
gross revenue: $43 mill
i spent: $7

3. drillbit taylor
please don't tell me this movie was funny. this movie was not funny at all. it was stupid. and boring. most of the people in the theater were sleeping. not kidding. okay, they were from a nursing home, but still.
budget: $40 mill
gross revenue: $48 mill
i spent: $10

2. halloween (the 2007 rob zombie remake)
okay, it was totally and completely unneccessary for this movie to have ever been made. it was boring and absolutely crude. fuck was basically every other word. terrrrrrrible.
budget: $15 mill
gross revenue: over $78 mill
i spent: $10 seeing this piece of trash at the mayfield theater with my father

1. the worst movie of all time: 30 days of night
i'm still apologizing to victoria for making her see this truly heinous movie with me. josh hartnett was hot at one point, but now he should just retire. such a lame film.
budget: $32 mill
gross revenue: over $70 mill
i spent: $20 because i paid for victoria's ticket afterward because i felt bad that i'd made her see it

now please keep in mind that these are only the bad movies that i have seen and that i can remember at this particular moment, so i'm sure that i've seen plenty more bad movies and just can't think of them right now, and i'm sure that there are movies out there farrrrrrrrrrrrrr worse than these are but i've (thankfully) never seen them...but just from this list here, these are the figures from the numbers that i could find:

total money spent to make these travesties: over $664,000,000
total money spent by the world to see these travesties: over $1,607,000,000
money spent by myself on these pieces of shit: $160...and more than that because i'm sure i've spent money on many other shitty movies that i just can't think of right now....

all i can say is wow, think of all the people that could have been helped and all the good that could have been done with all this money that was spent on making and seeing these movies that just totally and completely sucked!!!!! wowwwww.....i say people should make less movies....spend more time making better ones and stop wasting their time and money on shitty things!!!!!!

so my sister has been working on a project for a midsummer night's dream all weekend, just like i did the weekend before the end of eighth grade...i actually don't think i ever finished reading that book...i didn't care for it much at the time, but now i actually really enjoy the story and appreciate the humor. anyway, on the last day of eighth grade (after the day of "punishment" for the food fight....um, yeah...i got out of that, but i'm not a narc i swear!...), rachel, arianne and i went to the country club so i could show them dan the lifeguard (i know right? he wasn't even there, hahaha) and then we came home and watched get over it because we'd just finished our projects on a midsummer night's dream. we literally memorized every word and every dance step to all of the songs. i told my sister she and her friends should watch get over it because it's frickin hilarious and has to do with a midsummer night's dream, but of course, because i suggested it, she was like um no. anyway, that movie is sooooooo good, and here are some of my favorite scenes from it:
this is like the opening scene of their musical version of a midsummer night's dream...hahahahaha...oh, btw the best part of the entire movie is colin hanks's expressions throughout the play, loooooooooove it!!

okay, this is like the "boy band" song...the "musical duel" over hermia...lovin the dance moves!!!

this is my personal favorite...the fairy song!!! sometimes i quote this, i got DO IT! in that whispery voice and no one knows what the fuck i'm talking about, but i just laugh to myself...haha, i'm weird...sisqo's dance moves...cool stuff....but little steve steals the show.

my nicknames are pretty obvious...meg because my name is megan. i used to HATE being called meg...probably because when i was younger the only person who called me that was my babysitter, jackie, that i had for one summer and she was absolutely crazy and super annoying because she'd make me watch all these terrible tlc shows with her and wouldn't take me anywhere or do anything with me if a baby story or a wedding story was on...but then when i got older, i liked it when people called me meg because people started doing it that i thought were cool and i was like wow, they have a nickname for me, they must like me...and then some people call me megs, and i looooooooooooooove that...mostly because the first person i can remember calling me that is dan the lifeguard...my grandpa calls me meggie, but no one else in the world may call me that!!!! i'm not really fond of being called meggie, but sometimes the kids at the daycare i work at get confused and accidentally call me meggie, but i'm pretty okay with that, it's funny.....ha. well, sometimes my mom and dad do that too, not because they're confused, but to be cute, sometimes it's meggie-may with them, but they mostly call me may-may because that's what my sister calls me...she's called me that since she was little because she couldn't say megan and it's just kind of stuck...sometimes she shortens it and it's just may, because lots of the time i usually just call her kay...everyone at school used to call me melanie because our french teacher in 8th grade really thought that was my name...ben used to call me meggers but then everyone started saying preggers and meggers just was not cute anymore...yeah. there was a brief moment in time when people at church called me melon. i liked that actually, but only secretly, i had to tell them i hated it because the reason they were calling me that was because i was round, not kidding. lots of people in middle school used to call me blondie. for a while people called me president megan because my 7th grade math teacher called me that to remember my name...you know, like president reagan (sp? i don't even care....)...hahaha...in 5th grade that evil child on the bus called me mega-moo...that was terrible. one of the hall monitors at school calls me kristen because he genuinely thinks that's my name, and it's too late now to correct him. oh, and some random people always call me stuff like sasha stalker and mrs. pavlovic...hahaha. love it.

but looking at these pics, you must admit that DAN THE LIFEGUARD IS SO HOT!














i'm not even gonna lie and pretend like it's not creepy that i took these pictures off of someone else's facebook and put them up on my blog....

hahaha i put up the pics of country shirts because i have the same ones.....lol.

"how it happens, i don't care, if it's raining or what i wear. i know today is taking me where i'm meant to be. life goes by, who knows why." -hilary duff, "i can't wait" summer of 2002.

maybe it was that i started to idolize the wrong people. or person more specifically. that i became entrenched in a world of darkness. but i feel like i was dark before that. not that i'm necessarily dark. i like to pin my downfall all on that one night. "downfall." psh. like i'm some sort of tragic hero. i actually have a remarkably large number of "downfalls" for a person who's only 17. maybe that was just my first downfall. but my life wasn't perfect before that. even though i like to think it was, it really wasn't. no, i don't think it was that night. i don't think everything that happened would have happened just because of that night. i think kurt had something to do with it. the music, the culture, everything that he introduced me to. i think that's when it happened. that's how i became who i am. maybe.

i'll tell the story again just because i feel like telling the story. now i'm never going to get to sleep. but who needs sleep when they're telling a story as good as this one?

it actually began early in the summer. with the night when everyone slept over after the country club dance party. we all woke up and watched a saved by the bell the college years episode, and from that we got into a big discussion about the nineties and how great they were, and how we missed classic nickelodeon and how hot nineties stars were. and from there we watched free willy. and from there i started thinking about the "street kids." like the ones they portray in free willy wearing flannel and living under bridges? i thought it was some nineties thing. i don't really know. but i started to think about them, and nineties culture in general and remember it and think about life was like. i thought about that when i went to swim camp. and i kept thinking about it through yac and cedar point. and that set it up for what was about to happen....

it was a summer night. june 2004. i was thin. i was beautiful. i was perfect. it must have been a tuesday. because jessica came over on a thursday. and we had swim meets on tuesdays and thursdays. and i know it was after a swim meet. and i know it was before jessica came over. so it must have been a tuesday. i had undoubtedly won all of my races that night since i was undefeated that summer. i was going to sleep. i wasn't going to swim practice in the morning. simply because i didn't want to. i was staying up late and watching television. flipping through channels, trying to find something good on. i finally settled on a program on vh1 called the 100 greatest songs of all time. i fell asleep somewhere after madonna's "ray of light." i had forgotten to put the sleep timer on. so the tv just kept going. i was awakened at some point by the sound of a familiar song. a song that i hadn't heard in a long time, that i couldn't place, but i knew that i knew it. i put my glasses back on and turned up the volume and listened to them talk about nirvana's "smells like teen spirit" and kurt cobain, the tragic hero to the teens of generation x. it all sounded vaguely familiar. and as i looked at the images it started to come back. the music. the flannel. the doc martens. the "big boys" sitting out on the street with their skateboards because their idol had killed himself. i had to hear the song again. back in those days i used aol's music net because i really just wasn't so high tech. i didn't have any real music taste so i would just download certain songs that i liked and listen to them over, and over, and over. but i couldn't download "smells like teen spirit." i searched the web and read more about kurt and nirvana. at the time i was very very religious and very very naive. suicide was a sin. i couldn't listen to this. it was music of the devil. i would only listen to parts of it and then turn it off because it was "dark" and "satanic." who knew how much darker things would become. i was even more convinced the music held satanic power as i couldn't stop thinking about it. constantly i would wonder what someone like that was like, someone who had everything, adored by an entire generation, and would just give all that up? for a while i couldn't look at pictures of him. but then finally, i had to. that was when i was finally able to download the entire song. i listened to it constantly. i began to think back to those days of my youth. the nineties. how much simpler things seemed then. that was thursday. when jessica came over. i had promised her a fun day at the country club of preppy boys and cute skirts. i was blonde and perky and pink-obsessed. not much different than i am now, but different than what i soon became. she showed up and her mother said "here's your country club brat." i inspected her tiered pink skirt and michael stars shirt and thought about how i had changed in my mere two days of nirvana-discovery. i was simply wearing a short yellow skirt and a white tshirt with kitten heels, not the matching yellow terry cloth sweater, blasphemy! i tried to pay attention to jessica but my mind was elsewhere. i kept humming the little parts of teen spirit that i knew and kept casually bringing up courtney love, kurt cobain, and nirvana. for a while after that i kept my obsession secret. around my birthday i started casually bringing up nirvana in conversations with my family. by the first week of july i had heard a few more nirvana songs and as july wore on, my obsession was revealed. by the time of my "i love the 90s party," which i believe was around july 14, most knew that i loved nirvana. but in truth i really only knew their singles. after that however i made it my mission to get all of their albums. i would sit at home on the computer and read constantly about nirvana on the internet. i would bring them up in any conversation that i could. i started dressing differently. i was attempting a more "grunge" look. i started wearing cargos and tshirts. i made my mother buy me a nirvana shirt at hot topic before swim championships. i got bangs! in this time i actually became more attractive. i was a little edgier. i was more cultured. i was way more appealing than the prissy, preppy, pious bitch that i had been when the summer began. from their it just kept spiralling. i went to high school a new person. new wardrobe. new hair. new interests. and an obsession with a man who took his own life. my new self related with new friends. and new friends brought a new culture. and all of this, that's what led to everything. without it, maybe i'd still be thin. maybe i'd still be beautiful. maybe i'd still be innocent. maybe i'd still be happy.